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I haven’t updated in a long time because I spent the past month in America. I saw my wife for the first time in a year. I saw a man called Gaylord. I saw a transvestite dressed as an eskimo. I saw a man who injects testosterone into himself and cuts hair off his head and glues it into holes in front of his ears. I saw the world’s #1 Johnny Cash impersonator. I saw all the presenters from Top Gear. And I saw more mullets and women with black eyes than I ever have in my life.